Two enhanced fighters and two potentially sociopathic comedic psychos enter, two leave. Ok, technically they all leave but we like to imagine whoever loses takes it so hard that they collapse onto the court and wither into dust. Round 2 (AND the Sweet Sixteen) heats up today in the TV region. Who will survive and advance? Who will be shoved back into their 30-60 minute world? Find out below.
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(1) Chuck Bartowski vs. (5) Dennis Reynolds
Austin: I don’t feel great about this matchup for our Philadelphian bar owner. It’s easy enough to beat a wacky sitcom star, but to take down a man with a superbrain? Well, that’s a much different task.
It’s already been said about Chuck. He is a superbrained human, able to download skills at the jump of the ball. He can be quick, intelligent, and strong. He can dominate this game physically and skillfully. But, there’s something holding me back from just writing these couple sentences and picking Chuck. Can he endure the onslaught of psychological torture from Mr. Reynolds?
Dennis would most certainly understand he does not contain the athletic prowess needed to beat an essential superhuman. He would immediately delve into the mental warfare we know to be his forte. So, how would he attack Chuck? He’d probably go after his languishing career, basically a Geek Squad employee spending his days in a Best Buy-like store going no higher, only achieving important success thanks to something that was completely out of his control. Dennis would delve into the recesses of Chuck’s psyche and attack what it was like to have no aim in life until he was thrust into this secret agent business, something he couldn’t navigate himself or fully achieve success in without help of others. Dennis would break him down, barrier after barrier, trying to hurt the overall nice guy Chuck in ways he hadn’t yet experienced mentally.
Would it work? Probably not. I think Chuck may go down a few points to start, trying to deal with the shock of being brutally and rudely attacked by this random man, but he’s overcome adversity before. He’d just start hooping and tune out Dennis’ mind games. Dennis would lose it once he started getting routed and realized he holds no upper hand physically, athletically, or mentally. Dennis would scream about how he is the Golden God, and fade away in embarrassing fashion, as he and the entire crew of Sunny have done since their first episode.
My winner: Chuck
(2) Buffy Summers vs. (3) Ross Gellar
Austin: Oh man. This is going to be brutal. Ross is also a psychopath but not in the mindbending, mental torture-y way Dennis is. Ross is just a sad man who is crazy and controlling. He isn’t particularly special athletically, other than his fairly tall stature. Unfortunately, he also has an issue of falling for pretty much every woman he comes across.
The moment Ross steps on the court he is going to either become very awkward or try to woo Buffy. Buffy, a woman not known for having taste in mere mortals, would not really care about this. Ross would try to be nice and play lackadaisical D as a gesture, despite the fact that Buffy is supremely more talented than he and could score at will regardless of his effort level. Ross’s efforts would work to no avail, and he would mope louder and louder until not one fan remains. Buffy, a crowdpleaser, would put this game to rest as fast as possible to save anyone around the court (and herself) from the brutal whining Mr. Gellar is unleashing. This is an unfair matchup, but Ross should just be thankful he didn’t have to face the superior sociopath in Dennis.
My winner: Buffy, The Mopey Sitcom Slayer