After dreaming about all the new additions we’d love to see in Super Smash Bros. Ultimate before E3, and after digesting what we just saw in the latest Smash Bros. Direct, we’re sitting here anxiously awaiting what else Nintendo might have in store for us. As we look forward to playing all the awesome new and veteran characters, we can’t help but wonder…what could go wrong? Are there any characters that just don’t belong in Smash? Is there any fighter that is just too ludicrous to include? We thought we’d have some fun and come up with some nightmare scenarios – along with some nightmare art – of our 3 least wanted characters to come to Super Smash Bros. Ultimate.
Does this prick tickle your nostalgia bone a bit? Clippy was an “Office Assistant” included in early versions of Microsoft Office back in the 90’s. Aesthetically, Clippy is inoffensive, but once he tries to help in any way with whatever mundane task you are doing his flaws begin to show. Starting to write basically anything? Clippy will ask if you want his ”help” by sentence number one. Want to create a bulleted list? Instead he will change the font to WINGDINGS. Need to change your paper to double spaced? Clippy is here to instead make the margins really narrow making the 2 page paper you owed in 7th grade only 1 page.
Honestly, the majority of us here at GlitchUp spent more time trying to get Clippy to go away for good than actually utilize any of his ‘tips’. In one instance, I can vividly remember Clippy egging me on to open up the Command Prompt and type ‘format c:\’. My parents were not amused when this evil bastard tricked me into deleting the contents of my Compaq PC’s only hard drive. Once, I was writing a paper on cities with large goat populations, and he suggested I check out, in his words, “The definitive site on goat stats”, moments later I learned what Goatse was.
If Clippy can barely manage to help you use Microsoft Word, which is basically a white box where you can type stuff, you can imagine how he’d fare in Smash Bros. If we take Clippy at face value, honestly, the one and only move he has is ‘poke’. He literally could poke you with his metal ‘arm’, and that’s about it. If we consider some of the ‘moves’ he makes in the Microsoft Office Suite, however, things could potentially get more interesting. Perhaps a ‘Cut and Paste’ move to throw opponents off the map? How about a ‘Text Size’ formatting move where Clippy manages to shrink you momentarily? Perhaps one of his moves could be being such a piece of bloatware trash that he crashes the entire game, losing all progress, just like he used to do my research assignments in grade school. Finally, his final smash could be about as exciting as it gets: Clippy transforms you into the Comic Sans font. All this ‘excitement’ aside, Clippy would be the absolute worst choice to join Super Smash Bros.Ultimate. –Andy
Boy Goku sure is an awesome fighter. Extremely quick, has strength for days, can fly around and has a flurry of energy-based projectile attacks. So why is he on this list? I may get a lot of hate for this, but I seriously cringe anytime someone suggests Goku join the Smash roster. Look, I enjoy Dragon Ball Z. I grew up watching Goku power up and talk to Frieza for what felt like hundreds of episodes. This isn’t me saying I hate the character. He’s actually super perfect for a fighting game. Which is great since he has a number of his own fighting games to star in, as well as plenty of crossovers in which he appears. However, he just DOES NOT belong in a Super Smash Bros. game.
Super Smash Bros. is a celebration of all things video game characters and franchises, and even more so, all things Nintendo. Call me a fanboy snob but I’m already so-so on the number of guest characters we have popping up, as it sort of feels like some of them are just trying to ride the coattails of success vs. actually having a place there, but I’m open to it, because hey, let’s celebrate video games. What I’m not at all open to, is shoehorning a character into a game where he has no relevance at all, just because he’s popular and fights. Sure, Dragonball Z has varied history in video games, but it didn’t start as a video game IP and really doesn’t fit in with the rest of the series. To put it another way; I’m certainly not calling for Mario or Link in Dragonball FighterZ.
However, anyone who actually wants Goku in, can already imagine his move set and have it mapped to every button. And that’s exactly the problem. Everyone already knows exactly how this would go down. As much faith I have in Sakurai being able to come up with something novel, I think we all know what it looks like. Punches and kicks, teleports, energy projectiles, Spirit Bomb or Kamehameha, oh and let’s give him some new hair for a Final Smash. Yawn. Now imagine instead adapting someone like Captain Toad, who comes from a game that has very little to no combat. Now you’ve got to get creative with the move set, which affords much more surprise for the player.
A predictable move set, an origin in anime and not video games, and a forced shoehorning in of a character just for popularities’ sake, firmly cements Goku as the worst choice to join the Super Smash Bros. roster. –Pat
#3. Tetris Block
In 2016 when Time Magazine listed the greatest video games of all time, the number one spot on that list was taken not by Pac-Man, Legend of Zelda, or even Super Mario. No, the number one game listed of all time was, one of the oldest, most addictive and basic games ever created – Tetris. The tile-matching puzzle game launched into meteoric success when it was released on the NES in 1989, consistently selling millions of copies whenever there’s a new platform to jump onto and it still continues to be very relevant today.
With originality, legacy appeal, and a long relationship with Nintendo, Tetris seemingly checks off all of the required boxes to be considered as a playable character in a Super Smash Bros. game. Except for one problem – it’s a puzzle piece! It should not happen. Tetris blocks aren’t fighting characters with special attacking abilities that make up the basic gameplay of any Smash Bros. game. There’s too many questions to ask. How would this character even work? What shape would it have? How would it attack other characters? How would it even move around the stage?
It’s certainly hilarious trying to imagine a block rotating and falling from the sky to take out your opponents. But unfortunately a lot of the block’s abilities would have to be artificially created for Smash Bros. that aren’t true to its original game. Simply put, the block would need to defend itself against attacks, shielding and countering which has never happened in any Tetris game.
However, I’m sure there’s people out there that actually want Tetris as a playable character, so I’ll try and imagine this moveset. To start, different block shapes could be chosen in the selection screen like changing outfits. The block itself would float around the screen like in the Tetris game but also have limited upward mobility similar to Little Mac. Most of the block’s attacks would consist of rapid rotations that lunge at the opponent at various angles to inflict damage. The Tetris block could also summon other blocks to fall for additional ranged attacks. Then finally, the Tetris block’s final smash move would be an avalanche of Tetris blocks falling from the top of the screen onto the stage.
You know what, this might be crazy enough to work! –Chandler
We’ll be holding our breath, nervously watching every Nintendo Direct from now until December hoping we don’t see any of these nightmare scenarios come true. What is your nightmare roster addition? Let us know in the comments below or on our social media channels!