As we celebrate the most love-filled time of year, it only felt right to do something a little special. For our unique Valentine’s Day episode of GlitchCast, I concocted up a thought-experiment: If given a budget ($65) and price for each piece involved, what idea would you want to see as a romantic comedy? Each person picked their leads, some supporting characters, a time of year, setting, main concept, and bonuses if they so desired. These are the movies we want brought to screen.
Austin: Untitled Bromance Break-Up Comedy
- Leads: Margot Robbie ($20) and Rose Byrne ($10)
- Supporting: Jake Gyllenhaal ($10), Ryan Reynolds ($10), and Jason Sudeikis (and Reid Scott) ($7)
- Setting: Chicago ($5)
- Concept: Best Friends ($3)
- Total Spent: $65
Before we enter into the actual plot of my rom-com, let me bring you for a stroll down memory lane. Just a year ago, Ryan Reynolds and Jake Gyllenhaal were busy doing promotional work for their upcoming sci-fi movie, Life. Life itself was an underwhelming 2 hours but out of it came something beautiful: true friendship. Gyllenhaal and Reynolds became the bro-iest of bros during their campaign. That entertaining friendship is what inspired this movie.
Margot Robbie and Rose Byrne (noted Australian-born actresses) grew up together. As childhood best friends, they were inseparable—until real life came around. Byrne shipped off to the US, planning for her future, and settled into a nice life in the Windy City with a loyal boyfriend, Ryan Reynolds. Robbie eventually moved to the States as well, now settled and enjoying life with her boyfriend, Jake Gyllenhaal. After years of not speaking, something prompts Byrne (a lack of important, meaningful friendships) to reach out to Robbie. They catch up and, finally, the two setup for Robbie and Gyllenhaal to visit.
During the visit it’s like the two never even drifted apart. The long-lost friendship is blossoming once again, as is a new one. As the two couples sit at dinner together, a Paul Rudd-Seth Rogen Knocked Up-esque bromance begins. Joking extra hard at what the other says, entirely disregarding their significant others, Gyllenhaal and Reynolds seem like maybe they’ve fallen in love with each other (they haven’t, this is hyperbole; they just have an excessive bromance). Inside jokes seem to be coming out of nowhere despite having known each other for less than a day. The women look on bewildered, but happy that their boyfriends get along as well as they do. That happiness would not last.
Robbie and Gyllenhaal go home and soon enough, Reynolds, after a brief mention by Byrne that it would be great to see Robbie more, sets in motion a plan to get Robbie and (most importantly to him) Gyllenhaal to Chicago for good. Gyllenhaal responds positively to this, after never being too eager when Robbie had previously suggested it. Despite her confusion to the sudden change of heart, Robbie is ecstatic and the move is made.
Things seem fine enough after the move. Both sets of friendships are thriving, until bit by bit, the men are less available. Not being home for dinner, always being busy on the weekends, constantly having to cancel plans. The women dislike this, naturally, and begin to spy on them, worrying that they are cheating. After the women follow Reynolds to a carnival/fair, their worst fears are all but confirmed. That is until they see Gyllenhaal out of nowhere. As they watch they realize that their boyfriends have been ditching them and being unavailable simply because they are going on bro-dates and hanging out with each other instead. The women decide to scheme a way to break this bromance up.
As hijinks ensue and failure overcomes their plan, they bring on Jason Sudeikis, a famous anti-Hitch character, who excels at breaking people up. He is, only naturally, a sleezy looking guy. Silk shirt-wearing, chest hair popping out, a mustache like he had in Masterminds, overflowing with unearned confidence. He accepts their challenge and tries to break up the two bros. It does not go as planned. He can’t help but resist their undeniable charisma and fun they offer as friends. He becomes the third point in their triangle of friendship.
The women seek him out and confront him, causing him to leave the friendship while the boyfriends now see what their girlfriends were doing. Reynolds and Gyllenhaal show their anger at their girlfriends, which in turn causes a rift between Robbie and Byrne. They have failed, and that failure has brought up old issues causing the two to break apart once more. The two men try to continue on their bromance but find trouble with their now disputing girlfriends. They seek to make it right.
Reynolds and Gyllenhaal bring on Sudeikis once again, forcing him to play against his best abilities and instead bring two together for once. He sets up an event, which Robbie and Byrne go to unknowingly filtered into seeing each other. They realize their differences can be reconciled and that the most important relationship is friendship. They forgive their boyfriends and all four live happily ever after.
An alternative (and probably better storyline, now that I think about it) would have me adding in Reid Scott (Dan from Veep) into the supporting cast, and switching Sudeikis into a good male friend role. The two of them would then be sent in to break up the bromance, it wouldn’t work, and the women would then realize they were actually in love with their best friends (Scott and Sudeikis, who were also in love with them) all along.
Andy: Jurassic Heart
- Leads: Seann William Scott ($7.50) and Alison Brie ($10)
- Supporting: Steve Carell ($10), Leslie Mann ($7)
- Cameos: Chris Pratt ($4), Owen Wilson ($4), Vince Vaughn ($4)
- Time of Year: Christmas ($13)
- Setting: Jurassic Park Abandoned Island ($5)
- Total Spent: $64.50
Seann William Scott is a Canadian hockey player who’s heading to Costa Rica alone to see the ocean for the first time. He’s sick of gold diggers and the fame that comes with being a renowned hockey player. Alison Brie is from New York, and just got dumped by her boyfriend, and she’s also finding herself on a trip alone to Costa Rica to find herself.
Steve Carell and Leslie Mann are an older couple having a midlife crisis. They are ready to call it quits in their marriage, but they’ve decided to give it one last shot with a vacation to Costa Rica which is where their honeymoon was.
Chris Pratt, yes, from the Jurassic Park cinematic universe, has left Jurassic World employment to become a pilot. He’s the only one that makes this certain flight due to its proximity to the abandoned Jurassic World. No other pilots are brave enough. Owen Wilson and Vince Vaughn are bankers looking to invest in the reopening of Jurassic World. Their plan is to charter a helicopter once they get to Costa Rica to survey the land.
During the trip, the plane (containing everyone above) crashes on island. Chris Pratt dies first ironically, as his beloved velociraptor, “Blue”, ends up eating him immediately. Seann William Scott and Alison Brie, in-between many dinosaur related hijinx, end up falling in love. Steve Carell and Leslie Mann end up divorcing once they realized it was for the best, even though she saves him multiple times (ROLE SWAP). Owen Wilson and Vince Vaughn die horrifically after they spend most of the movie trying to impress Alison Brie.
Sarah: Invisible Touch
- Leads: Das Fassbender ($15) and Kristen Wiig ($10)
- Supporting: Kate Winslet ($10), Jason Segel ($7), Phil Collins ($4), and Lily Collins ($4)
- Time of Year: Fall ($0)
- Setting: Large city-indistinct ($3)
- Concept: Forbidden ($1)
- Total Spent: $54
Eric (Fassbender) is Phil Collins’ #1 Fan. He spent his 20’s and 30’s being a groupie for Genesis and then Phil Collins where he got involved in all sorts of cocaine and alcohol. After following Phil around for about 20 years and getting into the inner circle as one of Phil’s groupies, he ruins his relationship with Phil when he has an altercation with Phil’s daughter, Lily Collins. Since the Lily incident, Eric has been forced into rehab where he begins to see a therapist, June (Wiig).
While their relationship started off professional, June could not resist digging into the stories around Phil Collins’ inner circle as she too is a huge fan. Eventually their love for Phil turns into a love for one another. June helps Eric concur his drug and alcohol addiction and find a new hobby—singing. The two of them eventually start a Phil Collins cover band and become known as the duo Invisible Touch.
Kate Winslet (Sophia) and Jason Segel (Jack) play supporting characters and act as sounding boards for both June and Eric.
It’s a heartwarming tale of how a love for music can turn into a love for one another. (gag, I know).
Maddie: Uncharted Booty
Editors Note: Maddie, after being in a time crunch for her idea (originally she made up some super serious, heartwrenching war romance; I nixed that in true studio executive fashion so she had minimal time to come up with what she did) for the podcast, has delivered this new idea, poster and all: Uncharted Booty.*
*I legitimately can’t tell if this adheres to the budget, but regardless it only feels right to have one idea that has a ballooning price and causes the studio (me) to freak out, until it becomes a hit. Also, it has the greatest name here and possibly ever.
- Leads: Jake Johnson ($7.50) and Isla Fisher ($7.50)
- Supporting: Zac Efron ($10), Michael B. Jordan ($10), Jeff Goldblum ($10), Jenny Slate and Aubrey Plaza ($4), Jason Segel and Russell Brand ($7), Chelsea Peretti and Max Greenfield and Hannibal Buress ($4), 5 models ($1), and Danny Devito ($3.50)
- Setting: Large yacht on the sea ($1)
- Concept: Forbidden ($1)
- Bonus: A character has a dog play a notable aspect in their life ($3)
- Total Spent: $69.50
A charter crew is hosting billionaire Richard Degrassa (Jeff Goldblum) along with his dog (Rafael Nadal, named after the tennis superstar) and 5 models. The models feel neglected due to Richard’s extremely close relationship with his dog and they begin fraternizing with the deck hands (Zac Efron and Michael B. Jordan). Unfortunately, both of the deck hands are in love with Gianna (Jenny Slate), who is constantly asking them to perform absurd tasks on her behalf, and they fail to notice the gorgeous models’ sexual advances. Richard is so wrapped up in his love for his dog that he seems to be unaware of anything that is happening.
Meanwhile, Luisa (Aubrey Plaza) and Jennae (Chelsea Peretti) are vying for the affection of Captain Niall Howe (Hannibal Buress). The Captain’s affections fluctuate based on whom he perceives to be “winning” in the fight for his love, as he is extremely attracted to strategy and ruthlessness.
The yacht is suddenly ambushed by pirates attempting to get the account information, gems, and gold belonging to billionaire Richard Degrassa. Vikrum (Russell Brand), the pirate leader, gets distracted by the models and ends up stalling the heist to have his way with them. While Vikrum is stalling, a relationship begins to blossom between Lola (Isla Fisher) and Jerome (Jake Johnson). Jerome feels like his fellow pirates don’t respect him and never listen to him, and Lola has been wanting to leave the crew ever since Jon-Claude (Max Greenfield) became the head steward. Jon-Claude continuously makes advances at Lola and, when rebuffed, lashes out at her in loud (non-violent but destructive) dramatic episodes that involve sobbing, screaming, and breaking things.
At the same time, a friendship forms between Chef Michele DuPon (Jason Segel), who is not actually French, and a pirate named Bob (Danny Devito). Bob admires Michele’s height and loves to eat his food. Michele feels appreciated for the first time since joining the crew (everyone thinks he is lying about being a chef because he has messed up on every dish he has made since coming aboard–most have been inedible).
Will Lola and Jerome “jump ship” and pursue their love? If so, what will Jon-Claude do to exact his revenge? Will Rafael Nadal perform the ultimate act of bravery to save his owner’s life and his billions of dollars? Find out in Uncharted Booty.
There you have it, Hollywood. Four ideas we want—dare I say NEED—to see on the big screen. Let us, and those studios shills, know what flick you think would be the best!